her questions

This one.
She is my thinker and a dreamer.
Her soul is so deep and pure, and at times I feel that she is wise beyond her years.
She keeps me on my toes most of the time too, asking questions that really make me think. 
She doesn't take simple answers either.
She has a desire to know more- her how's and why's are usually never ending.

As she has grown older she has become more aware of certain things in our lives. 
Asking about family members and how they are related to us.
Who's my mom?
Who's dad''s mom?
Who's dad's dad?
And the one that I have dreaded, "Mom, who's your dad?"

I had skirted around the question for a few weeks. Deflecting to a different topic, avoiding giving her a straight forward answer. Not because I thought she was too young, but maybe because I knew she would ask why. Why does she not know who my dad is? Why has she never met him?

But I finally decided that I just needed to be upfront with her, there is no point in falsifying the truth. I shouldn't feel the need to hide the 'why' from her.

So the next time she asked, "Who is your dad mom?" I approached it in a soft manner to see where it went before I revealed the complete truth with here:

Me: He is a man.
L: What is his name?
Me: Rick
L: Have I met him before?
Me: No
L: Where does he live?
Me: I don't know.
L: Why not? He's your dad. You should know where he lives.
Me: I haven't seen my dad in a long time, so I don't know.
L: How long?
Me: A very very long time
L: Why don't you see him?
Me: He chooses not to
L: But he's suppose to love you cause he's your dad.
Me: I know, but sometimes people make choices in their lives that hurt other people. Sometimes it is really hard to live with.
L: My dad loves me
Me: Yes he does, so very much. And I love you very much!! 
L: I love you mom!

While I haven't shared every single detail with her, I know she understands what I have told her. She still occasionally asks the same questions and I still give her the same answers- I think she wants to know more. .

For so long I felt ashamed for decisions my dad chose to make. And in the recent months I have finally let go of those feelings of shame. I can't control him, he is his own person. And if his decision is to not be a part of mine, I have come to be okay with that. I have everything that I need.

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